i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Randomize
