You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
His hands were made for my vagina.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
