I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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