Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
The uberlube is also flammable
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
