DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
