Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
