I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
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I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
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Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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