Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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