Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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