My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
