he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
