I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
