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So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
