i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
