If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
