I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
