I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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