Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
