I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
