I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
