At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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