She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Also, beer. Big fan.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
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