my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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