I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
