The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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