sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
