I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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