im gay
i know
yea but for you.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Randomize
