3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
It's blow job season.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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