I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Randomize
