I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
