she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Randomize
