This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
