I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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