i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
