Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
