Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
