i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
