I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Randomize
