It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
