First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
