I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
