I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
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