Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
