I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Randomize
