I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
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