A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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