I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
