Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
