He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
