the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
