Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
