he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
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Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
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New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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