it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
